Melodrama

Okay folks, today we will be continuing our how to write badly series by discussing how to make your book melodramatic! Nothing makes bad drama like good melodrama. We'll be touching on some basics here and give some simple, easy to understand examples - and you can think up some of your own!

1. Use lots and lots of adverbs. Modify those verbs! It will give everything a wonderfully overdone feel - try it! For extra points - modify your adjectives and for extra, extra, really, really high melodrama - modify your adverbs.

Examples:
Okay melodrama:
Annette slowly lowered her long, lush, eyelashes and shivered slightly. 

Better melodrama:
Annette slowly lowered her very long, very lush eyelashes and shivered slightly.

Best melodrama:
Annette really slowly lowered her very long, very lush eyelashes and shivered ever so slightly.

Another good way to accomplish melodrama is to tell us what a character is feeling instead of showing us what they are feeling.

Example:
Good melodrama:
Jerry was stunned.

Bad melodrama:
Jerry's eyes widened.

2. Bad dialogue. This one is easy. All you have to do is write like no person on earth talks. Using lots of repetition is a good thing too.

Example:
"I do not want you to go to the bar tonight."
"Why do not  you want me to go to the bar tonight?"
"The Bailey brothers are really mischievous and will want to toilet paper the Moore's when they are finished drinking lots of beer."
"The Bailey brothers will want to toilet paper the Moore's after they are finished drinking lots of beer? Will not that make them sick and then will not they get in trouble if they are caught?"
"Yes, that will make them sick and they will get caught, thankfully."

This could go on and on completely turning off the reader. It's a guaranteed way to get the reader to put down your book which you didn't want them to read anyway. Notice, the nice little touch at the end of this exchange - thankfully. This is a word used a lot in writing that adds a great deal of melodrama - and not just in dialogue either! Thankfully, it's an adverb that can be used in regular sentences anywhere! That's the beautiful thing about that word. No one actually uses it - people don't say it or think it - they only write it - which makes it the perfect word for melodrama.

3. Use lot's of big words no one understands.
Example:
Jasmine's pulchritude was glorious to behold.

4. Use lots of italics, bold letters, CAPITAL LETTERS, and lot's and lot's of exclamation points!!!!! And. Don't. Forget. Putting. A. Period. After. Each. Word. Be sure to take full advantage of our modern day technology - the sky's the limit with these devices - it's so easy to scroll and click!

The rest is up to you! Spend some time thinking of other ways you can create melodrama - it's fun! I hope this will inspire young, aspiring writers out there everywhere to write some truly heinous works of fiction. Apparently, the public hasn't grown very tired of it yet since it inexplicably continues to be published on. a. Regular. Basis. - let's be sure to fill the demand out there - so get cracking!!!!!

Bad Writing: A Basic How To Guide

I've decided to put together a bad writing- how to- guide for those who want to write truly terrible books. There seems to be a big hole in the market for this. If you look at the writing section of the library or bookstore or look online there are myriads of authors covering writing well - but no one seems to cover writing terribly. So I thought it was high time I did something about this and start a series of posts on how to make lots of writing mistakes and have a final product that is as badly crafted as anyone could wish.

First, let's discuss how to make the main character arrogant and therefor unlikeable. Everyone knows that in good writing the main character is likable so for our purposes making the main character unlikeable will be a big goal.

Arrogant is easy to achieve. If written in first person have lots of paragraphs and sentences start with the word ' I '. Also be sure to include the words, 'clearly', 'obviously', and 'I knew'. These last three work no mater what point of view your book is written in. Check your manuscript - is the main character using these words a lot? If so - congratulations! you're main character is arrogant! You did it! Pat yourself on the back.

Here are some examples:

The man was wearing a navy blue pin striped suit and a red tie, he was clearly trying to make a power statement and it would have worked if it hadn't been for the orange socks.

She was obviously upset. Tears were running down her cheeks.

Penelope knew Sharon was the kind of person who would call in sick to get out of inventory.

Note: Taken by themselves they seem fairly tepid, but be sure to multiply them so they are sprinkled throughout your work. Also notice the words are pointing out things the reader can work out for themselves - extra bonus points if you did that in your manuscript!

Stay tuned: Next time we will discuss how to make your manuscript melodramatic! Oh boy!