Mom's Rules

I saw a meme that went like this:

Mom's Rules:
If I cook it, you eat it.
If I buy it, you wear it.
If I wash it, you put it away.
If I clean, you keep it clean.
If I say bedtime, you say goodnight.
If I say get off the phone, you hang up.
If I say no, you don't ask why.
Because I'm the mom!

Hmmm... kind of works for small kids. But what about when half your kids are adults and the other half are nearly there? Mom's in this situation need rules just for them. So here goes:

Mom's Rules:
If you're hungry, cook something.
If you want clothes, buy them.
If you want clean clothes, wash them.
If you make a mess, clean it up.
If I say it's bedtime, I'm going to bed; you're on your own. 
If you need an appointment, pick up the phone and make one.
If I say no, don't be surprised.
It's because I'm exhausted and you're too old to be asking! 


That looks more like it.

Great Names for Boys!

A common subject amongst my younger, child-bearing friends expecting boys is what to name him? What guys name could they give their boy that hasn't already been hijacked by a well meaning mom naming a girl or that won't become a girls name in the lifetime of the child or that hasn't already been used a million times, literally.

They want something unique that doesn't sound like something a person will eventually designate for a girl.

Well, fear no more! I have compiled here a list of 20 names that are guarenteed not to be over-used and are boys names! I know! I've even listed some possible nick names for some. You can thank me later.

Oh boy! You know how I love lists!

1. Mergatroid. You could nick name him Merg. This will especially sound appropriate when he is old and crotchety.

2. Horatio. Rat for short. Doesn't that sound cute?

3. Archibald. This one has an especially catchy nick name - Baldy.

4. Abednego. Think of all the fun you'll have spelling that and repeating the pronunciation of it!

5. Hezekiah. Hezzy for short. This would be an especially good nick name if your baby resembles a muppet.

6. Shem. You could call him Shemmikins for short.

7. Rosco. Here's one you don't hear that often. I just can't picture a girl named Rosco, but then I had a hard time wrapping my brain around a girl named 'Taylor' the first time I heard it and now everyone seems to have forgotten it was ever a boys name to begin with. But still, I think this one will be a safe bet.

8. Stanely. This is a good solid name. Never mind it sounds like a small, fat, balding man. Stereo types should be abolished and there's no better way to do that than by starting a new trend. And really, Stan doesn't sound half bad. Stan sounds like that rock solid guy that always comes through.

9. Merlin. Everyone knows this is a guys name. Merl for short. I'd say you could also call him Lin, but then we're dealing with another name that's been swiped for female purposes.

10. Earnest. This is obvious. And there' s a whole play explaining why this is a good name. And who wouldn't like to be called Ernie?

11. Pudwalikesneth. Oh the possibilities here! Puddy, Walli, Kes, Nethy. It goes on and on.

12. Nebuchadnezzar. A good, solid, Bible name. Why don't we see this more often?  Good old Nebby.

13. Elroy. A nice, down home name. Call him El, short and easy.

14. Tutankhamen. Why aren't we using historical names more? There's a veritable treasure trove of these completely going to waste! You don't have to call him Tut for short. There are lots of possibilities in this name. How about Kha or Tan?

15. Guildenstern.Guilder or Denny or Sternie make good nick names. His friends can be all, like, Hey! It's the Guildster! Guild, my man. (That is, if anyone actually talked that way.)

16. Quirinius. Now this one is fun! A name that starts with a Q! How many of those are there? You could call him Quinnie when he's a baby and Quirt when he's older.

17. Boaz. Bo, obviously.

18. Zidkijah - Zid. That sounds snappy. Come here Zid. Hey, Zid, hand me the ketchup.

19. Lysimachus. Lyss. Machus. Chus. Another one with lots of possibilities.

20. Agamemnon. Aggie. Who wouldn't want this name? Both the name and the nickname are awesome!

And there you have it! Twenty rarely-used, distinctly-male, no-girl-would-want-them names! I could have doubled this list easily! Tripled it, no problem. Yes sir, if you want a good boy name I am your, er... woman!

Unrequited Sugar Love

In honor of the upcoming Valentine's Day I decided to write a letter to an unhealthy, unrequited, life long love of mine, my secret obsession. No longer will I suffer in silence, I am going public for all to see!

Dear Sugar, 

I have loved you all my life and yet you have not returned my love. I have been loyal, unwavering and true. You have been none of these things. 

People told me you were not good for me. I didn't believe them. They told me you were controlling. I didn't listen.  They told me you didn't really love me and I paid them no heed. Now I am the one suffering.

I long to be with you, to consume you. You make everything in life better. Chocolate without you is just bitter. My Cheerios are simply bland when you aren't there. Cookies are pointless without your contribution. 

When I've tried to take a break from you, to put some distance between us, to no longer partake in clandestine meetings in cakes and candies, I find you still in my life, lurking in salad dressing, barbecue sauce and my teriyaki chicken! Have you no shame? Have you no respect for my wishes?

When I look at what you've done for me I know in my brain what my heart wants to deny. A clean break is all that will give me relief, a total severance. Oh! The pain it gives me! Words cannot express the desolation I will feel when you are gone. 

But all joy in our meetings is now meaningless. After I partake in your delights it actually nauseates me. You give me headaches. You do such terrible things to my insides. You no longer give me energy. You are tiring. I literally need a nap after I've been with you and I don't feel better when I wake up. Something has gone terribly wrong in our relationship and now I'm the one who pays. 

And the very worst of it is, in return for my devotion, you have given me diabetes. You didn't love me. You never loved me. You have fought back with your negativity by putting fat around my middle! How could you? Of all the horrifying things you could do, you make me fat!!! That is just too low! A person has their limits and you have crossed mine!

I see through you now! You are nothing but a user. You take my energy and deplete it. You leave me feeling exhausted and worn out. But do you care? No! You keep on taking, taking, taking. You give nothing back but a twisted, nasty gift -- fat.

So goodbye! Goodbye forever! I can't be with you anymore. Don't try to come in contact with me or tempt me with your presence. No longer will I savor your sweetness or partake of this unhealthy love. I don't want to see any of your siblings either, so tell maple syrup, honey and corn syrup to stay away! But I will always desire you and miss you and your entire family. Even now I can't find it in my heart to be mean or cruel. I still love and admire you.

I will never forget you, but I can no longer acknowledge my feelings for you. I will never mention it again or pain you with my love, which you so obviously do not return. From now on just consider me, 

Your No Longer Secret Admirer. 

Whew. Now that was therapeutic. I can move on with my life. Sugar will never rule me again! Never! I am free! Free!


ooooo! Is that a donut?

Craftymess Anonymous

Everyone has their unique skills. I have some skills. I also have some not-skills. I don't want to go so far as to say I'm terrible at things. We're taught not to say that aren't we? We're supposed to say things like I can do this or I can do that. I think I can. I think I can. We're supposed to be the little engine that could.

For years I was going to be crafty. Yes, I was going to be the ultimate crafty, artsy, diy, domestic diva.

There are people out there who are masters of cricket machines, glue dots, paper, and stamps. They bring their creations in for all to see. "I made this out of old tin cans, some chewed gum and a bent toothpick. Isn't it amazing what you can do by adding a little glitter? It only took me 47 hours too!" And it looks like the Taj Mahal. So exquisitely beautiful that I want to emulate this ability to make masterpieces out of paper and glue. I told myself the PC thing - I can do this!

But I'm older now and wiser and I know there comes a time when you just have to admit to yourself the realities of life. I know my limitations. No amount of political correct terminology can compensate for globbed glue, splotched paint and domestic atrocities. Being craftily challenged, or going in a different domestic direction is little consolation.

Perhaps there should be a support group for people like me. Craftymess anonymous. We could get together and discuss our inability to come up with our own creative projects. Or how we can't seem to get our work to look like the example. We could talk about how we're people too. We're the ones who couldn't color in the lines as children. The ones who made the princesses' hair green instead of yellow. The ones whose dolls, and toys and clothes looked like it'd been through a holocaust to the utter dismay of our mothers. (And what's worse, we didn't notice they looked that way.) We were so busy running around, living and playing in the mud some gene didn't get developed properly. There's probably some bit of DNA somewhere in my makeup that can be labeled 'doesn't work well with paper.'

Or maybe there should be an advocacy group for crafty projects gone horribly wrong. Save our crafts! People could create awareness for these horribly deformed, abandoned projects and raise funds to rescue them.

Or perhaps, there should be a place you can drive, far far away, through desert and wilderness to a desolate, obscure place to toss these projects into a silent, dark hole and burn them. Then we can bury our shame and move on with our sad, uncrafty lives.

Until the next project inspires us....