Prolonged illness! Another list! More Sarcasm! Oh boy!
Today I thought I'd come up with ways in which bland foods could be used other than providing weak sustenance for a person who is already exhausted but can't keep down anything that would actually give health and energy to a compromised system.
This list is here for pure entertainment purposes. I disclaim any responsibility for what may happen if someone else actually does these things. What I do is my own business.
1. Saltine crackers. There are many uses for these. I suggest crumbling them up and blowing them like dust into the eyes of people who tell you you 'don't look sick'. An accomplice could also contrive to put them into the bottom of their shoes, or in their socks.
2. Instant mashed potatoes. Now these are really handy. They work as temporary glue, a medium for sculpting in case of extreme boredom and to make life really exiting, just eat them too fast! Choking always makes things more interesting.
3. White rice. These are great for practical jokes. The next time you're sick and you can't clean house just randomly leave a few here and there - especially around the kitchen - they can look just like maggots! If you can get an accomplice this works much better. Also, said accomplice can surreptitiously leave them advantageously around in houses of people who think you are feigning illness to avoid them.
4. Applesauce. This stuff has great entertainment value. Stick your tongue out, put some on the end of it and say "la la la la" until it falls off. The sensation is hilarious, especially after being stuck in your room for too long, doing nothing but staring at the walls.
5. Banana. Give a nip to your bunny. They love it, then they love you, then you'll feel like someone appreciates you after all.
6. Toast. Have them cut up, then stack them up like a house of cards and see how many pieces you can remove before the whole thing falls. Make sure to leave lots of crumbs everywhere. Then you can curse yourself later when you're feeling well and you have to clean them up. Whatever you do, don't actually eat the toast - you've had it too many times when you're sick and if you eat it again, you'll puke for sure. (Trust me on this one).
7. Watered down Gatoraide. Pretend it's totally delicious and then offer one of your kids (or any other gullible person, because after a while, let's face it, the kids wise up) a sip and watch their faces when they fall for it. (Because, with lupus, you're not contagious- it won't hurt them at all.)
8. Apple juice. Slurp it down like it's manna from heaven because it's so much more flavorful than everything else you're eating. Then be violently sick because you really shouldn't have had it. Hey! What's this doing on this list???
9. Chicken broth. This one is obvious. Warm your frozen hands, face, nose, feet and anything else that might be cold on it. It can also make nice little rivers and moats for your mashed potatoes. Again, don't actually drink it. See # 6 above.
You're probably wondering where # 10 is. Well, to be honest, if there were more foods I could eat when I was sick this list might not exist - so aren't you lucky there isn't! Oh yes, your life is complete now. What would you do without me?
