Bland Foods and Alternate Uses for Them

Prolonged illness! Another list! More Sarcasm! Oh boy!

Today I thought I'd come up with ways in which bland foods could be used other than providing weak sustenance for a person who is already exhausted but can't keep down anything that would actually give health and energy to a compromised system.

This list is here for pure entertainment purposes. I disclaim any responsibility for what may happen if someone else actually does these things. What I do is my own business.

1. Saltine crackers. There are many uses for these. I suggest crumbling them up and blowing them like dust into the eyes of people who tell you you 'don't look sick'. An accomplice could also contrive to put them into the bottom of their shoes, or in their socks.

2. Instant mashed potatoes. Now these are really handy. They work as temporary glue, a medium for sculpting in case of extreme boredom and to make life really exiting, just eat them too fast! Choking always makes things more interesting.

3. White rice. These are great for practical jokes. The next time you're sick and you can't clean house just randomly leave a few here and there - especially around the kitchen - they can look just like maggots! If you can get an accomplice this works much better. Also, said accomplice can surreptitiously leave them advantageously around in houses of people who think you are feigning illness to avoid them.

4. Applesauce. This stuff has great entertainment value. Stick your tongue out, put some on the end of it and say "la la la la" until it falls off. The sensation is hilarious, especially after being stuck in your room for too long, doing nothing but staring at the walls.

5.  Banana. Give a nip to your bunny. They love it, then they love you, then you'll feel like someone appreciates you after all.

6. Toast. Have them cut up, then stack them up like a house of cards and see how many pieces you can remove before the whole thing falls. Make sure to leave lots of crumbs everywhere. Then you can curse yourself later when you're feeling well and you have to clean them up. Whatever you do, don't actually eat the toast - you've had it too many times when you're sick and if you eat it again, you'll puke for sure. (Trust me on this one).

7. Watered down Gatoraide. Pretend it's totally delicious and then offer one of your kids (or any other gullible person, because after a while, let's face it, the kids wise up) a sip and watch their faces when they fall for it. (Because, with lupus, you're not contagious- it won't hurt them at all.)

8. Apple juice. Slurp it down like it's manna from heaven because it's so much more flavorful than everything else you're eating. Then be violently sick because you really shouldn't have had it. Hey! What's this doing on this list???

9. Chicken broth. This one is obvious. Warm your frozen hands, face, nose, feet and anything else that might be cold on it. It can also make nice little rivers and moats for your mashed potatoes. Again, don't actually drink it. See # 6 above.

You're probably wondering where # 10 is. Well, to be honest, if there were more foods I could eat when I was sick this list might not exist - so aren't you lucky there isn't! Oh yes, your life is complete now. What would you do without me?

Food for Thought

And interesting discussion came up on Goodreads. I felt it was worth repeating here.

Someone posted that they weren't crazy about classics because they prefer books that have good pacing and keep the reader engaged. They found classics to be boring. Here was my response:

I don't savor most current authors. I consume their books, toss them aside, and never read them again. They are like junk food; tastes good at the time, no lasting nutrition. This is why I am stingy with 5 star books.

Current authors know what they are supposed to do to engage the reader and keep the story going. Even the ones who don't know how to write can do that much. But very few treat it as a craft and write truly beautiful things.

Many of today's readers don't have much interest in finely crafted writing. They want to be gripped from page one and want the tension to be tight with no lags in pacing throughout the entire story. They don't ask for much more than that. That is why many of today's books won't endure.

A few will, not saying none will.

But that is exactly why I don't re-read them. My curiosity was the only thing propelling me through the book and once it was assuaged, I had no more interest in it.

I don't blame the authors. That is how they are taught to write, and that is what readers expect. Many readers don't want to have to work for anything.

If anything, the poor writing of today is because line editing is becoming extinct. To save costs, publishers have eliminated it entirely.

As a result, glaring inconsistencies, cheese, redundancies, poor character development, pacing problems and all kinds of other things are not pointed out or corrected that would have been even fifty years ago.

Having said that, not all classics are equally well written. They are not all universally enjoyed. People rate them with one star as well as 5 stars. Readers still have opinions about them. They are still worth rating and being included in today's conversations. Just because something was written a hundred years ago, doesn't automatically make it good.

No, classics are not organized, paced and constructed the way today's books are. But they have something that today's books can't even touch. Beautifully crafted sentences and a command of the English language very few today can emulate. These books are almost poetic in their turn of phrase and those who love the English language and words and the many ways they can be put together love them.

We are all different. We all like different things. Our differences are what make goodreads interesting. What you have posted will help others with your same turn of mind find good things to read. They'll want to look at your book shelf to see what they'll like and they'll think you have incredibly good taste and find some new books they love.

Some people love classics and aren't sure which books written many years ago are worth their time. They'll want to check out the book shelves of someone who loves classics. They'll admire their choices.

The important thing is that our ratings are an honest reflection of what we thought of the books we read from our own perspective.

The point of goodreads for me is finding new things to enjoy that I otherwise may not have been aware of to read. There are current authors that I have thoroughly enjoyed and will read over and over again that I wouldn't have known about if it hadn't been for other people's suggestions. It's worth wading through twenty 'junk food' books, for me, to find that one book that is a real feast.

I fully recognize that the book I wrote isn't according to current book writing standards. I'm also aware there will be very few who enjoy it compared to the millions of readers out there. 

In one draft I tried to give it a 'hook' but it just seemed gimmicky and wrong. Charlotte's story unfolds slowly, I know I'm the author and I can do whatever I want, but I couldn't change it without being false. I didn't think I'd ever publish it, so it didn't matter. 

I'm surprised at how many have liked it because I do believe most readers want instant gratification in their books. I'm grateful to know that is not always the case.

I really shouldn't blog when I don't feel well.

Today's post is about an outrage I think ought to be addressed.

I'm talking about those people, of whom I will sanctimoniously name no names, that slink into the kitchen and swipe my juice, unawares. I mean really, how underhanded is that? What kind of person does it take to raid a refrigerator and pillage undefended substances like juice? 

And here I am, the innocent victim, working away and suddenly have a craving for something sweet and cold and delicious. Oh, I can just taste it already. I gleefully sweep into the kitchen only to find I have been ROBBED!!! Just as I was about to enjoy cool refreshment, it is knocked maliciously from my grasp! I am left to wallow in wretched disappointment! Oh the humanity!

Something has to be done about this. Juice drinkers of the world unite! Stand up for your rights to juice! When juice has been carefully horded and squirreled away for a rainy day (or every day) it should be there when it is called upon for service!

And don't even get me started on the hot cocoa...