Four out of my five children are boys. The youngest of those boys is 13. Between them and my husband I've learned quite a bit about living with men over the years. I'm thinking about posting an occasional series on this. Some of the points may sound kind of funny, but they are real points of information with real life examples.
1. When a bunch of guys get together and get a brilliant idea it will somehow lead to injury or damage to personal property. Or both.
Example:
Idea:We can get down the stairs faster by jumping.
Net result: a trip to the doctor and a head shaped indentation on the ceiling leading to the bottom of the stairwell.
2. If there is a way to avoid using bowls, plates, cups or utensils they will find a way.
Example: 'Look! We don't need bowls to eat our salads!' The guy demonstrates by grabbing a handful of salad, squirts dressing on it then stuffs the whole thing in his mouth and repeats the action a couple times.
The next guy scoffs, 'I don't need to eat out of my hands', he proceeds to stick a bunch of salad in his mouth and squirts dressing directly on it. The next second he's hopping around screaming and laughing at the same time, 'AAHH!! Too much dressing! Too much dressing! It Burns!!!'
Which just goes to show no matter how dumb an idea is in the first place there's always another guy around to think of a dumber one.
3. Men are incapable of predicting what will happen next.
Example: When they decide to slide down the staircase in nylon sleeping bags all at the same time they are surprised when after tearing down the stairs at 80 mph they end up in a painful, crying heap at the bottom and that they've squashed the baby in the process.
4. Teenage boys will act like slugs and ignore you all day but, when 10:00 PM rolls around they will either suddenly start wrestling and making inhuman noises and clumping all over the house or they will want to snuggle with an exhausted mom and dad and talk for three hours. If you don't take advantage of that you won't hear from them again for six months.
5. Men need to expend lots of energy throughout the day. If they don't, personal injury and property damage will ensue. Trust me on this one. They're like dogs, they need exercise.
6. If you ever ask a man to do something - DON'T ever criticize the job they've done or they will NEVER do it again.
7. Men think women are the touchy, feely ones - which may or may not be true, but men are far more sensitive than women. The male ego is a fragile thing.
8. If you make a rule of any kind you have to be careful about your wording.
Example:
Mom: Don't slide down the stairs in laundry baskets! It's dangerous! Someone's going to get killed!'
An hour later:
Mom: I told you not to slide down the stairs!
Kids: You said not in laundry baskets, these are sleeping bags.
Mom: You are not to slide down the stairs in anything or on anything or with anything or anything like unto it!
15 minutes later:
Mom: I told you NO sliding down the stairs!
Kids: We're not!
Mom: Then why is your brother at the bottom of the stairs crying?
Kids: We jumped.
9. No household with boys should have full length staircases of any kind.
10. The only way to modify a boy's behavior is to stop what they are doing mid action. If you must use words limit them to no more than three. If you lecture them they will tune you out after the first sentence, so skip the lecture and make what you say count.
Example:
When a kid is about to hit his brother stop his arm mid swing and say 'No hitting.' This is very effective - the male mind responds to action.
11. Men will speak with grunts. The non-committal grunt being their specialty.
Example:
Mom: Did you haul your dirty laundry?
Kid: grunt
Mom: Was that a yes grunt or a no grunt?
Kid: Yes, mom, I shouldn't have to explain every grunt!
12. Male children will make anything at hand into a weapon. This fully hit me when my first child, who had no toy weapons at the time, was at a friends house and used the friend's little sister's Barbie doll as a machine gun. He pointed one arm down which became a trigger and the rest of the doll was the barrel.
13. If there is any kind of loft, balcony, overhang, or ledge in your house they will find a way to pelt things onto it or off of it or climb it. If there isn't any they will do it from your roof.
14. Every family over a certain number of children has a climber. The climber is usually also a Houdini and can overcome any lock or child proof mechanism known to man. If that child also happens to be a boy - watch out - males tend to do things first, then think about them after they've ended in disaster.
14. Be sure to cuddle all your men, laugh with them, and love them as much as possible. This makes everyone happy, including mom.
