In honor of the upcoming Valentine's Day I decided to write a letter to an unhealthy, unrequited, life long love of mine, my secret obsession. No longer will I suffer in silence, I am going public for all to see!
Dear Sugar,
I have loved you all my life and yet you have not returned my love. I have been loyal, unwavering and true. You have been none of these things.
People told me you were not good for me. I didn't believe them. They told me you were controlling. I didn't listen. They told me you didn't really love me and I paid them no heed. Now I am the one suffering.
I long to be with you, to consume you. You make everything in life better. Chocolate without you is just bitter. My Cheerios are simply bland when you aren't there. Cookies are pointless without your contribution.
When I've tried to take a break from you, to put some distance between us, to no longer partake in clandestine meetings in cakes and candies, I find you still in my life, lurking in salad dressing, barbecue sauce and my teriyaki chicken! Have you no shame? Have you no respect for my wishes?
When I look at what you've done for me I know in my brain what my heart wants to deny. A clean break is all that will give me relief, a total severance. Oh! The pain it gives me! Words cannot express the desolation I will feel when you are gone.
But all joy in our meetings is now meaningless. After I partake in your delights it actually nauseates me. You give me headaches. You do such terrible things to my insides. You no longer give me energy. You are tiring. I literally need a nap after I've been with you and I don't feel better when I wake up. Something has gone terribly wrong in our relationship and now I'm the one who pays.
And the very worst of it is, in return for my devotion, you have given me diabetes. You didn't love me. You never loved me. You have fought back with your negativity by putting fat around my middle! How could you? Of all the horrifying things you could do, you make me fat!!! That is just too low! A person has their limits and you have crossed mine!
I see through you now! You are nothing but a user. You take my energy and deplete it. You leave me feeling exhausted and worn out. But do you care? No! You keep on taking, taking, taking. You give nothing back but a twisted, nasty gift -- fat.
So goodbye! Goodbye forever! I can't be with you anymore. Don't try to come in contact with me or tempt me with your presence. No longer will I savor your sweetness or partake of this unhealthy love. I don't want to see any of your siblings either, so tell maple syrup, honey and corn syrup to stay away! But I will always desire you and miss you and your entire family. Even now I can't find it in my heart to be mean or cruel. I still love and admire you.
I will never forget you, but I can no longer acknowledge my feelings for you. I will never mention it again or pain you with my love, which you so obviously do not return. From now on just consider me,
Your No Longer Secret Admirer.
Whew. Now that was therapeutic. I can move on with my life. Sugar will never rule me again! Never! I am free! Free!
ooooo! Is that a donut?
