That's Life and Good Stuff for a Book

I'm always learning new things. It's been apparent to me for quite some time that someone I have positive friendly feelings toward may not have the same feelings for me. But today it dawned on me that not only can someone I like not be too crazy with me but they could actually be seeing me as their enemy.

Unfortunately I'm learning this vicariously through the experience of a dear friend of mine but I can look back on my own life and see that it's true.

But I still maintain the right to feel how I will feel toward others regardless of how they feel about me! So just know I'm going to like you whether or not you like me back even if you're nasty and there's nothing you can do about it, because I like people - even nasty ones! I guess I just don't have it in me to hate people.

When people are mean it makes me think they are depressed or sad or having a bad day so sometimes it's a bit of a shake up when I realize they are deliberately and sneakily trying to sabotage someone else.

Having said all this, it sure makes good fodder for a book! I'm feeling inspired! I'll have to write about a deliberate, sneaky person and see what happens.

Writing Badly Part Three: Boring Your Reader

I know it's taken a while to get to the next segment on our writing badly series and I apologize to all the budding new authors out there who needed some more direction on how to make their novel really stink, but I usually don't post unless I'm unusually ill and bored out of my mind and it's taken awhile for my bad health to take it's toll this time. I guess I'm just incurably optimistic.

Today I want to talk about repetition. This is the best way to bore your reader. There are several methods you can use:

1. Have your character think something, say what they thought, then think about what they said.

2. Tell us what's about to happen, show it to us, then tell us what just happened

3. Write a scene from one character's perspective, switch characters and show the exact same scene again from that character's perspective - trust me on this one, it will bring your story to a dead stand still.

As a bonus - make a scene extra boring in these ways:

1. Use as many passive sentences as you possibly can.

2. Tell us everything, show us nothing.

3. Assume your reader is stupid and state the obvious.

4. Interrupt any action that might be taking place. You can do this by describing something or expressing someone's thoughts, or by putting dialog where it shouldn't be - get creative! There are many ways to interrupt action.

Any of these methods are guaranteed to make your story dry as toast. Try them all and you won't have any readers at all! Just think of the possibilities!

Melodrama

Okay folks, today we will be continuing our how to write badly series by discussing how to make your book melodramatic! Nothing makes bad drama like good melodrama. We'll be touching on some basics here and give some simple, easy to understand examples - and you can think up some of your own!

1. Use lots and lots of adverbs. Modify those verbs! It will give everything a wonderfully overdone feel - try it! For extra points - modify your adjectives and for extra, extra, really, really high melodrama - modify your adverbs.

Examples:
Okay melodrama:
Annette slowly lowered her long, lush, eyelashes and shivered slightly. 

Better melodrama:
Annette slowly lowered her very long, very lush eyelashes and shivered slightly.

Best melodrama:
Annette really slowly lowered her very long, very lush eyelashes and shivered ever so slightly.

Another good way to accomplish melodrama is to tell us what a character is feeling instead of showing us what they are feeling.

Example:
Good melodrama:
Jerry was stunned.

Bad melodrama:
Jerry's eyes widened.

2. Bad dialogue. This one is easy. All you have to do is write like no person on earth talks. Using lots of repetition is a good thing too.

Example:
"I do not want you to go to the bar tonight."
"Why do not  you want me to go to the bar tonight?"
"The Bailey brothers are really mischievous and will want to toilet paper the Moore's when they are finished drinking lots of beer."
"The Bailey brothers will want to toilet paper the Moore's after they are finished drinking lots of beer? Will not that make them sick and then will not they get in trouble if they are caught?"
"Yes, that will make them sick and they will get caught, thankfully."

This could go on and on completely turning off the reader. It's a guaranteed way to get the reader to put down your book which you didn't want them to read anyway. Notice, the nice little touch at the end of this exchange - thankfully. This is a word used a lot in writing that adds a great deal of melodrama - and not just in dialogue either! Thankfully, it's an adverb that can be used in regular sentences anywhere! That's the beautiful thing about that word. No one actually uses it - people don't say it or think it - they only write it - which makes it the perfect word for melodrama.

3. Use lot's of big words no one understands.
Example:
Jasmine's pulchritude was glorious to behold.

4. Use lots of italics, bold letters, CAPITAL LETTERS, and lot's and lot's of exclamation points!!!!! And. Don't. Forget. Putting. A. Period. After. Each. Word. Be sure to take full advantage of our modern day technology - the sky's the limit with these devices - it's so easy to scroll and click!

The rest is up to you! Spend some time thinking of other ways you can create melodrama - it's fun! I hope this will inspire young, aspiring writers out there everywhere to write some truly heinous works of fiction. Apparently, the public hasn't grown very tired of it yet since it inexplicably continues to be published on. a. Regular. Basis. - let's be sure to fill the demand out there - so get cracking!!!!!