Ham Gravy

It always surprises me when I mention ham gravy and people cringe. It is a favorite around here.

When the ham gravy flows it's celebration time. It doesn't seem to matter who's in the house at the time, family, guests, you name it - I find people eating it on all sorts of weird things in vast quantities - even discovered one of my kids drinking it from a glass.

Let me tell you what ham gravy tastes like - liquid bacon. Anything you can imagine that tastes good with bacon will taste divine with ham gravy. The possibilities are endless.

There are a few rules though if you really want to try it.

1. It has to come from drippings from a smoked ham - NOT a honey cured ham.

2. Do NOT glaze the ham. Just roast it in all its smoky pulchritudinous glory. (Trust me, if you haven't had ham this way you haven't lived!)

3. Make the gravy as a milk gravy not a water gravy.

4. If you have even the remotest opportunity to get a pig (with all its wondrous cuts) from an all natural or organic farmer - take it! You will never want to eat that nasty store bought pork again! (What do they DO to that stuff???????) Ham (yum yum!), bacon, sausage, pork loin, pork chops etc. all tastes so amazing eaten the way it was intended - from a person who knows what to feed a hog. Oh yeah.

5. Pour so much gravy on your food you can no longer see it and you have to use a bowl. (See picture above.)

6. Eat leftovers for the next two weeks. The drippings make so much gravy you'll be swimming in it (or at least your food will  be).

You can thank me for the introduction of a food that is akin to manna from heaven or the ambrosia of the gods, however you choose to look at it.

If you're a vegetarian... well then... I guess this is just plain awkward isn't it?

Another List! Oh Boy!

Things have been a bit neglected around here.

I have a love/hate relationship with writing. Sometimes I'm really into it and sometimes I detest it.

There comes a point where I detest writing and everything I write stinks. I'm the worst writer in the world and I'm never going to write anything that actually amounts to anything.

Regardless of how rotten what I've written is, I keep at it. I'm a masochist I guess. I torture myself with the process regardless of the outcome.

So today I thought I'd make a list (you know how much I love lists) of all the reasons why I should keep writing.  

1. To make all the other writers look good.
   
2. So my brain will be active and I won't get Alzheimer's.
   
3. Entertainment for my relatives who love me regardless of what I write.
   
4. When people ask me what my hobbies are, I don't have to say 'Sitting around eating candy.' It justifies the candy. Sugar is brain food. I need it so I can think of terrible things to write.
   
5. When I'm tired and I write I don't feel lazy. I'm being productive. I'm writing.
   
6. I can ignore everyone around me and become a hermit, but as far as everyone else is concerned - I'm amazing. I write. (Seriously, if you feel over-peopled you should try this. It works surprisingly well.)
   
7. If I'm writing I'm not cooking, doing laundry or washing the dishes. That's reason enough right there.
   
8. I can feel utterly embarrassed and self conscious  when people ask me about what I'm writing. This keeps me on my toes and stops me from sinking into mediocre life oblivion.
   
9. It's a great topic of conversation for people who have no idea what to say to me.
   
10. It keeps me humble... or humiliated, not sure which.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I do like others. I like Christmas, but I have five kids and Christmas is a lot of work. Thanksgiving is different.

I put out a couple fall things, gather family - who are my favorite people to hang out with - I'm really blessed that way. And I cook a turkey. Is there anything easier to cook than turkey? Really? You wash it off, stick some onions and celery in it, put it in a roaster and... that's it. When the meat thermometer says it's done - it's done.

Everyone else brings the sides, dessert etc, etc. I'm just making turkey, potatoes, gravy and a couple baked dishes. What could be easier?

Then I get credit for going through a bunch of work I didn't do.
Honestly, washing the dishes is more work than cooking the meal.

Aside from the ease of it and being with family, I love spending a holiday being grateful for stuff. It puts life into perspective and gives a moment of calm before the storm (Christmas).

Here is a short list of things I'm grateful for. (Oh boy! Lists!)  

1. A loving Father in Heaven who helps me every day.
  
2. A husband I adore.
   
3. Five of the best children ever.
   
4. Parents and Grandparents who keep me grounded and help me know who I am.
   
5. Siblings - I have nine. There's always someone to talk to.
   
6. Friends who don't judge.
   
7. Nieghbors - I live in a really great neighborhood. Maybe I'll write a post on that someday.
   
8. Pets - Bunnies and fish. It's wonderful to me how much joy a pet can bring into each day.


9. Our beautiful world. I love nature. I love the outdoors. I love feeling the wind and digging in soil and watching things grow. I can't get enough of it.
10.  Creature comforts. The argument can be made that I live in the lap of luxury. I have a roof over my head, clothes to wear and food to eat. There are many, many people who cannot say that.

What is on your thankful list?

Happy Thanksgiving every one!

A New Sick and Bored List!

I know you are all dying for a new edition on what to do when you're sick and bored, so let's get started and see where it takes us.

1. Stare at your house until you truly detest it. As soon as you're well, waste all your energy repainting everything, which makes you sick again, so you have to stare at your house again, but at least you're staring at something new...for now.... This is the activity that never ends. It just keeps going and going.

2. Stare longingly outside your bedroom window. Think of all the things you would plant if you could spend time outdoors. When you're tired of this, change windows. Since there are a million windows in your house, this activity could last all day.

3. Stare at the TV but don't turn it on. You're sick of TV.

4. Read (Ha! You thought I'd say 'stare' again!) so many books people think there's something wrong with you. (Well, actually there is, it's called 'chronic illness'.)

5. Play with your food, because actually eating it will only yield horrifying results. (There's an entire post on playing with food while you're sick somewhere on this blog.)

6. Plan vacations you can never take.

7. Pet every single bunny in the house. (What? Not everything on the list can drip with the cold bitterness of a wasted life.)

8. Think of the people you love and notice all the little things they do for you.

9. Remember you never would have spent so much time with family, been able to pet bunnies, begun writing novels, or read a zillion books a year if you hadn't been sick most of the time.

10. Realize that life is good anyway.

Mom's Rules

I saw a meme that went like this:

Mom's Rules:
If I cook it, you eat it.
If I buy it, you wear it.
If I wash it, you put it away.
If I clean, you keep it clean.
If I say bedtime, you say goodnight.
If I say get off the phone, you hang up.
If I say no, you don't ask why.
Because I'm the mom!

Hmmm... kind of works for small kids. But what about when half your kids are adults and the other half are nearly there? Mom's in this situation need rules just for them. So here goes:

Mom's Rules:
If you're hungry, cook something.
If you want clothes, buy them.
If you want clean clothes, wash them.
If you make a mess, clean it up.
If I say it's bedtime, I'm going to bed; you're on your own. 
If you need an appointment, pick up the phone and make one.
If I say no, don't be surprised.
It's because I'm exhausted and you're too old to be asking! 


That looks more like it.

Great Names for Boys!

A common subject amongst my younger, child-bearing friends expecting boys is what to name him? What guys name could they give their boy that hasn't already been hijacked by a well meaning mom naming a girl or that won't become a girls name in the lifetime of the child or that hasn't already been used a million times, literally.

They want something unique that doesn't sound like something a person will eventually designate for a girl.

Well, fear no more! I have compiled here a list of 20 names that are guarenteed not to be over-used and are boys names! I know! I've even listed some possible nick names for some. You can thank me later.

Oh boy! You know how I love lists!

1. Mergatroid. You could nick name him Merg. This will especially sound appropriate when he is old and crotchety.

2. Horatio. Rat for short. Doesn't that sound cute?

3. Archibald. This one has an especially catchy nick name - Baldy.

4. Abednego. Think of all the fun you'll have spelling that and repeating the pronunciation of it!

5. Hezekiah. Hezzy for short. This would be an especially good nick name if your baby resembles a muppet.

6. Shem. You could call him Shemmikins for short.

7. Rosco. Here's one you don't hear that often. I just can't picture a girl named Rosco, but then I had a hard time wrapping my brain around a girl named 'Taylor' the first time I heard it and now everyone seems to have forgotten it was ever a boys name to begin with. But still, I think this one will be a safe bet.

8. Stanely. This is a good solid name. Never mind it sounds like a small, fat, balding man. Stereo types should be abolished and there's no better way to do that than by starting a new trend. And really, Stan doesn't sound half bad. Stan sounds like that rock solid guy that always comes through.

9. Merlin. Everyone knows this is a guys name. Merl for short. I'd say you could also call him Lin, but then we're dealing with another name that's been swiped for female purposes.

10. Earnest. This is obvious. And there' s a whole play explaining why this is a good name. And who wouldn't like to be called Ernie?

11. Pudwalikesneth. Oh the possibilities here! Puddy, Walli, Kes, Nethy. It goes on and on.

12. Nebuchadnezzar. A good, solid, Bible name. Why don't we see this more often?  Good old Nebby.

13. Elroy. A nice, down home name. Call him El, short and easy.

14. Tutankhamen. Why aren't we using historical names more? There's a veritable treasure trove of these completely going to waste! You don't have to call him Tut for short. There are lots of possibilities in this name. How about Kha or Tan?

15. Guildenstern.Guilder or Denny or Sternie make good nick names. His friends can be all, like, Hey! It's the Guildster! Guild, my man. (That is, if anyone actually talked that way.)

16. Quirinius. Now this one is fun! A name that starts with a Q! How many of those are there? You could call him Quinnie when he's a baby and Quirt when he's older.

17. Boaz. Bo, obviously.

18. Zidkijah - Zid. That sounds snappy. Come here Zid. Hey, Zid, hand me the ketchup.

19. Lysimachus. Lyss. Machus. Chus. Another one with lots of possibilities.

20. Agamemnon. Aggie. Who wouldn't want this name? Both the name and the nickname are awesome!

And there you have it! Twenty rarely-used, distinctly-male, no-girl-would-want-them names! I could have doubled this list easily! Tripled it, no problem. Yes sir, if you want a good boy name I am your, er... woman!

Funny Words...or the Profound Things People Think about when They Don't Feel Well

Have you ever noticed some words are just plain funny? Like, squid, for instance. Say it out loud. Squid. Ha ha ha ha. Squid. Squid. Squid.

Since I adore lists I've come up with a list of hilarious words. In order to get full enjoyment out of them, be sure to say them out loud. (Especially if you're alone in public, there's nothing like adding a nice element of awkwardness or embarrassment to instigate the giggles.)

1. rancid (This one is good in cringing humor.)

2. chicken (Say it fast and repeatedly.)

3. superfluous (This one is really funny because superfluous is a superfluous word)

4. addled (Especially when combined with brains, which is also a funny word. AAAAAH my brains are addled!)

5. nostril (Any sentence with the word nostril in it is automatically funny.)

6. swine (A seriously good insult in comedy.)

7. pulchritude (The judge of the beauty pageant was surrounded by pulchritude.)

8. piddle (My bunny piddled on the begonias.)

9. pilfer (No one can take you seriously when you say things like "Hey! Who pilfered my juice?")

10. squish (Squishing something is funny, squashing something is gross. It's the subtle nuances that matter.)

Everyone's Day Should Be So Good

They say the key to success is to have realistic goals that can be met. I have lots of ambitions for today. Here are my goals:

1. Stay in bed so long I have a headache.

2. Stay in my pajamas long enough to embarrass myself, my kids or my husband. (Well, I've got to embarrass somebody!)

3. Eat something for breakfast that I'll regret the rest of the day.



4. Work on my book until I stop because everything I write stinks.

5. Forget to eat lunch.

6. Get super finicky and picky about the house in a controlling, unhealthy way.

7. Whine and complain every time the kids ask me to drive them somewhere.

8. Avoid cooking dinner. Fob it off on someone else.

9. Procrastinate the laundry another day. (Hey, I'm inspiring resourcefulness and creativity with this one! Figure out what to wear when all that is left is a green floral top and purple plaid shorts. Maybe a couple accessories can make that work?)

 10. Write a pointless and ridiculous blog post.

11.  Stay up too late reading a book so that I'm guaranteed to feel like death the next morning.

You know, if I can't get it all done today, there's always tomorrow!

T7DS

They talk about the seven deadly sins... or, at least, they used to. Nowadays no one really cares about them and would possibly argue whether or not they are actually sins.

Whether they should be or not is a topic for another blog. We can't be too serious here.

Anyway, I was thinking, what are the seven deadly sins of today? If we were to poll people on the street about the most heinous character traits they can think of, the list might look something like this:

Today's 7 Deadly Sins

OR

T7DS

1. Being judgmental. (Unless of course, you're the one doing it, then it's okay.)

2. Withholding things from those who are trying to force those things from you. (That's selfish.)

3. Being optimistic. (Hello, life stinks, don't you know. Only pessimists are realists. And they're not pessimists. They're realists.)

4. Being hypocritical. (This only applies to others, not you.)

5. Being in the majority. (Only the perceived majority -- if you are considered being in the minority, even if you are not actually in the minority, but you are perceived as in the minority, and you aren't any more, that is still okay. If you are perceived as the majority, and you are actually in the minority now, that is not okay.)

6. Being virtuous. (Because obviously, virtuous people are judging everyone else, right? See T7DS #1.)

7. Being boring. (Some people see this as synonymous with T7DS #6, but there are subtle differences. I mean, you can be un-virtuous and boring at the same time.)

So, today I'm going to come to the defense of those guilty of  T7DS #7. Because, I mean, really, who can argue with the first six?

I submit being boring is not the worst thing a person could be.

Is being boring really worse than being selfish, pessimistic, cynical, critical, arrogant, deceitful or  rude? A person who drives you crazy, winds you up and makes you want to commit to a homicide is definitely not boring. Those people are the ones who really make me wonder if being boring is such a bad thing.

But I know people who would say yes. I know people who would rather have anything than boring.

Some of my favorite people are what the world calls boring. They aren't covered in tattoos or pierced all over and their hair isn't purple. They don't go to protests and they don't get into political or religious arguments on social media. They don't live alternative lifestyles (gasp!), whatever that is (One could make the argument that today's alternative lifestyle is being married to the opposite sex, having kids after marriage and never divorcing - also, one could argue that this situation is perceived as a majority even if it is an actual minority and therefor qualifies for T7DS #5, but I'm not going there...today.), AND they have regular boring families that do regular boring stuff. (I know, right?)

But despite all this lack of lovely not-boring-ness, they never say clever, nasty things. They don't say interesting things about people who aren't there. They never talk too much and they leave lots of time for other people to respond. They aren't loud or obnoxious, they don't talk over anyone and they treat others with respect. They don't lie, they say it like it is and somehow, even though they are playing straight, they make me feel like I'm loved. These are traits I admire, but then, I hope most people do...

Uh oh... that's T7DS #3....

All time favorite fictional Characters

My brother posted something fun on Facebook, his top ten all time favorite fictional characters. While I intend to post on Facebook, I thought it would be fun to include the list here on my blog because I can make the list longer, and I can make comments. 

1. Mr. Akins (Paul Lynde) in Send Me No Flowers -movie (Seriously, if you haven't seen this movie and you like comedy, you should; it's hysterical. And Paul Lynde does a hilarious job of an oily salesman, but it's what he sells that makes it soooooo funny.)

2. Melanie Hamilton - Gone with the Wind - book, not movie (I always wanted to be Melanie, but alas! no amount of effort seems to overcome my innate sense of un-Melanie-ness.)

3. Elinor Dashwood - Sense and Sensibility - book and movie, mostly the book (I don't know if I've ever related to a character more.)

4. Peppermint Patty from Peanuts comic strip by Charles Shulz (Unfortunately, I also relate to her -- especially when it comes to math, but not sports.)

5. Kermit the Frog during the Sesame Street years (How my childhood heart sympathized with him! I felt I was also in a world gone crazy and trying to bring some sense to it!)

6. Barney Fife acted by Don Knotts From the Andy Griffith Show (Especially when he gets to put his bullet in his gun or when he's in charge or when he's got his hair slicked back and his bow tie on to go courting or... okay, I guess he's funny all the time.)

8. Clem Kadiddlehopper created by Red Skelton - ("FROGS! FROGS!..." Classic.) 

9. Bertie Wooster - P.G.Wodehouse's Wooster and Jeeves series - books and BBC production (Truly, I love how cheerful he is.)

10. The Mother in Family Dog from Steven Spielberg's Amazing Stories (I loved her as a teen when I first saw her, but I had no idea how much like her I would eventually become, it makes me want to go jump off a bridge somewhere....)

11. Miss Julia in the books written by Ann B. Ross (I adore when she says, "Far be it from me to judge..." and then she proceeds to judge. Makes me laugh every time. Every time. It's like when people say, "no offense, but..." and then they proceed to say the most offensive thing you can imagine --and of course, they think you are obligated not to be offended because they put that little disclaimer on there.)

12. Miss Marple of Agatha Christie fame. (Nemesis is my favorite)

13. Flavia De Luce in the series written by Alan Bradley (The more any particular book in the series makes me laugh, the more I like it.)

14. Horton in the Dr. Seuss book,  Horton Hatches the Egg (He's reliable. How many real people can you say that about?)

15. Samwise Gamgee in the Lord of the Rings series by J.R.R. Tolkien (Seriously? Do I need to comment about this one? It should be obvious.)

Okay, so you'll notice most of these fictional characters are humorous in some way. That should surprise no one.

Now, I know people are looking at this blog. You can't fool me. I don't know who you are, but I know you're there. You don't want to admit to checking up on it (can't say as I blame you -- it is an odd one), and you don't want to comment, but I would love to see other people's favorite character lists.  It doesn't have to have 15, it could just be top 5 or 3 or 20 or whatever, so be brave! Write a list! If you want to be really daring, post it in the comments! Gasp!

Some Things Are More Fun Than Being Ill but That Doesn't Make Them Fun

Things I'd rather do than be sick:

1. Gut a fish.

2. Eat cow eyeballs.

3. Have my gums scraped.

4. Pick up bugs.

5. Moderate an altercation between teenagers.

6. Run a marathon.

7. Run at all.

8. Bathe a cat.

9. Speak in public.

10. Die.

Expletives Made Easy

So why is it, repeating words over and over again is considered bad writing, yet foul language can be repeated liberally throughout a book and that's kosher? No one says it's a lack of imagination or claims the writer gave no real thought to the dialogue etc.

If you want a writing challenge that will stretch you a bit write an angry scene in which no bad language is used and whoever is reading it won't realize it's missing.

Not the easiest thing to do, is it?

Clearly we need some more creative was of expressing ourselves. Whether we are angry or simply want to insult someone we need a few more options in my opinion.

For all you budding authors out there I've come up with a list of creative ways to express strong emotion. You can thank me later.

1. Wingummit! Now this is a word that's clearly underused. Why is it, that when the murderer is about to strike and has been thwarted by the hero we never get to see this one?

2. Swellaweller!

3.Flimflamonger!

4. Golly whiz ferbert!

5. Fish bait breath!

6. Sap sucking son of a salamander!

7. Busted baboon bottoms!

8. Flaming flouncing flamingos!

Imagine using these instead of the usual insults and expletives. Just think of the effect this would have on your readers! You could stand out from other authors in new and interesting ways! Don't be afraid to be a trailblazer! Come up with some of your own!

Bland Foods and Alternate Uses for Them

Prolonged illness! Another list! More Sarcasm! Oh boy!

Today I thought I'd come up with ways in which bland foods could be used other than providing weak sustenance for a person who is already exhausted but can't keep down anything that would actually give health and energy to a compromised system.

This list is here for pure entertainment purposes. I disclaim any responsibility for what may happen if someone else actually does these things. What I do is my own business.

1. Saltine crackers. There are many uses for these. I suggest crumbling them up and blowing them like dust into the eyes of people who tell you you 'don't look sick'. An accomplice could also contrive to put them into the bottom of their shoes, or in their socks.

2. Instant mashed potatoes. Now these are really handy. They work as temporary glue, a medium for sculpting in case of extreme boredom and to make life really exiting, just eat them too fast! Choking always makes things more interesting.

3. White rice. These are great for practical jokes. The next time you're sick and you can't clean house just randomly leave a few here and there - especially around the kitchen - they can look just like maggots! If you can get an accomplice this works much better. Also, said accomplice can surreptitiously leave them advantageously around in houses of people who think you are feigning illness to avoid them.

4. Applesauce. This stuff has great entertainment value. Stick your tongue out, put some on the end of it and say "la la la la" until it falls off. The sensation is hilarious, especially after being stuck in your room for too long, doing nothing but staring at the walls.

5.  Banana. Give a nip to your bunny. They love it, then they love you, then you'll feel like someone appreciates you after all.

6. Toast. Have them cut up, then stack them up like a house of cards and see how many pieces you can remove before the whole thing falls. Make sure to leave lots of crumbs everywhere. Then you can curse yourself later when you're feeling well and you have to clean them up. Whatever you do, don't actually eat the toast - you've had it too many times when you're sick and if you eat it again, you'll puke for sure. (Trust me on this one).

7. Watered down Gatoraide. Pretend it's totally delicious and then offer one of your kids (or any other gullible person, because after a while, let's face it, the kids wise up) a sip and watch their faces when they fall for it. (Because, with lupus, you're not contagious- it won't hurt them at all.)

8. Apple juice. Slurp it down like it's manna from heaven because it's so much more flavorful than everything else you're eating. Then be violently sick because you really shouldn't have had it. Hey! What's this doing on this list???

9. Chicken broth. This one is obvious. Warm your frozen hands, face, nose, feet and anything else that might be cold on it. It can also make nice little rivers and moats for your mashed potatoes. Again, don't actually drink it. See # 6 above.

You're probably wondering where # 10 is. Well, to be honest, if there were more foods I could eat when I was sick this list might not exist - so aren't you lucky there isn't! Oh yes, your life is complete now. What would you do without me?

Bunnies, bunnies everywhere...

Oh boy! More lists! They say it takes a certain type of person to be a bunny person. We must be pretty far on the bunny people spectrum since we have four of them.

Here's 15 random observations I've made about our fuzzy little critters:

1. A bunny's trust is to be gained. It is not automatically given.

2. Bunnies are highly suspicious of new foods.

3. Our bunnies hate the smell and sound of bacon. They hide when we are cooking it and won't come out again until the smell dissipates.

4.  Bunnies do not perform for strangers. They have this 'I'm a dumb bunny' expression they put on their face and allow their eyes to go glassy and sit in a little ball and pretend they are the most boring creatures on the planet. It's one of their favorite defense mechanisms. Note: this rarely works because they're too cute and furry and people pick them up anyway but it doesn't stop the bunnies from trying.
 
5. Bunnies like fuzzy things. I find this amusing. Do they know they are furry? I think they must. Our plush fleece blankets are their favorites things to hang out on. 

6. Once you have a bunny's trust they are highly entertaining and reveal themselves to have fun, quirky personalities.

7. A bunny senses the emotions of it's owners. Not sure how they do this, but somehow they know. Probably because of #8 on this list.

8. A bunny is an astute student of both rabbit body language and people body language. They have a language all their own and it doesn't take long to know what the bunny is thinking and feeling because they are so expressive.

9. Bunnies love to be sung to. Especially if you sing a little ditty about them.

10. Bunnies don't like it when you invade their living space. It's their space, so if you're going to be in it you'd better follow their rules of protocol. IE don't move the stuff they moved, don't touch their hay, don't pluck them out of there without their consent, don't wake them, and don't ignore them. If you must breach the rules then you'd better have a treat handy, preferably some papaya.

11. Bunnies never have bad breath. Never. And they smell nice - like fresh summer sunshine.

12. They like to do elaborate little dances in the morning and love to show off. They want praise for these feats of speed and agility. The more compliments they get, the more they zip around.

13. Our bunnies are very lovey in the evenings. They lavish us with affection and cuddle and snuggle close to be petted and give us lots of bunny kisses.

14. Bunnies love tunnels and hide y-holes. When they don't want to be disturbed they hang out in them. When they want to be petted they hang out right by the door of the gate.

15. Bunnies have no concept of personal space. This includes with other bunnies and humans as well.

I like animals in general but bunnies are my favorite. They bring a smile to my face and distract me from 'real life' and bring a bit of nature into my home. This is important to me since I'm not supposed to be outside. They are not the right pet for everyone - they are delicate and not good for households with young children or for people who will be ignoring them a lot. But we love ours.

Fun with being sick! Oh boy!

I've decided I like lists. So today I thought I'd make a list of all the fun things a person can do while they're so sick they'd just as soon be dead and they've been confined to their bedroom for a little longer than what's good for their sanity! I don't know where I come up with this great stuff!!!

1. Stare at your bedroom until you decide you hate everything in it. Bonus points if you actually overhaul the entire room when you feel better again.

2. Origami tissues. Since there's not typically a lot of entertainment in a bedroom you have to get creative. The tissue box is right there - just pull one out. My specialties are a rock and a piece of crumpled paper - you should see them - very realistic.

3. Blowing saltine cracker crumbs everywhere. This one you have to try to know how fun it is. Stuff a bunch of saltines in you mouth - crunch them swiftly and carelessly with your mouth open - this works best if your mouth is really dry - then blow. It's like snow. Ah, the excitement.

4. Call for people. Your family will love this one. Always wait till they've left the room before you call them back. Make sure they've made it a good way down the hall at least.

6. Blow bubbles in your drink with a straw. I think this one is self explanatory.

7. Obsess about the cleanliness of your room. Allow the tiniest purity infraction to really get in your craw until you're so indignant it almost gives you enough energy to do something about it. Creating drama in your life really makes it more interesting. (What is a craw exactly?)

8. Check Facebook, Pinterest and every other social websites you can think of and keep looking at them until your brain melts.

9. Complain. This is especially fun when you have an audience but said audience is not actually necessary.

10. Find shapes in your ceiling texture. This is almost as good as finding shapes in clouds! 

11. Look at everything cross eyed. The downside to this one is that it might make you feel sicker, especially if you have a stomach complaint. Squinting at everything can be pretty entertaining too.

12. Make a landscape out of your blanket. Mostly I make mountains and hills.

13. Watch TV until all your faith in humanity is irretrievably lost. Let's face it, depression is better than boredom.

14. While watching TV squish peoples heads on the screen between your fingers or look at them through a circle you make with your hand.  TVs and optical illusions can pass quite bit of time.

16. Change channels on your TV really quickly and string the sound bites together to create crazy conversations.

17. Have someone get a remote control for your lamps. Click them on and off and on and off. You can make your own light show!

18. Use a lamp to make a shadow show on the wall. Butterflies and crocodiles are my favorite. 

19. When everything else fails to entertain and you're getting desperate blog about something really stupid.

Living with Men

Four out of my five children are boys. The youngest of those boys is 13. Between them and my husband I've learned quite a bit about living with men over the years. I'm thinking about posting an occasional series on this. Some of the points may sound kind of funny, but they are real points of information with real life examples.

1. When a bunch of guys get together and get a brilliant idea it will somehow lead to injury or damage to personal property. Or both.

Example:
Idea:We can get down the stairs faster by jumping.
Net result: a trip to the doctor and a head shaped indentation on the ceiling leading to the bottom of the stairwell.


2. If there is a way to avoid using bowls, plates, cups or utensils they will find a way.

Example: 'Look! We don't need bowls to eat our salads!' The guy demonstrates by grabbing a handful of salad, squirts dressing on it then stuffs the whole thing in his mouth and repeats the action a couple times.
The next guy scoffs, 'I don't need to eat out of my hands', he proceeds to stick a bunch of salad in his mouth and squirts dressing directly on it. The next second he's hopping around screaming and laughing at the same time, 'AAHH!! Too much dressing! Too much dressing! It Burns!!!'

Which just goes to show no matter how dumb an idea is in the first place there's always another guy around to think of a dumber one. 

3. Men are incapable of predicting what will happen next.

Example: When they decide to slide down the staircase in nylon sleeping bags all at the same time they are surprised when after tearing down the stairs at 80 mph they end up in a painful, crying heap at the bottom and that they've squashed the baby in the process. 

4. Teenage boys will act like slugs and ignore you all day but, when 10:00 PM rolls around they will either suddenly start wrestling and making inhuman noises and clumping all over the house or they will want to snuggle with an exhausted mom and dad and talk for three hours. If you don't take advantage of that you won't hear from them again for six months.

5. Men need to expend lots of energy throughout the day. If they don't, personal injury and property damage will ensue. Trust me on this one. They're like dogs, they need exercise. 

6. If you ever ask a man to do something - DON'T ever criticize the job they've done or they will NEVER do it again.

7. Men think women are the touchy, feely ones - which may or may not be true, but men are far more sensitive than women. The male ego is a fragile thing.

8. If you make a rule of any kind you have to be careful about your wording.

Example:
Mom: Don't slide down the stairs in laundry baskets! It's dangerous! Someone's going to get killed!'
An hour later:
Mom: I told you not to slide down the stairs!
Kids: You said not in laundry baskets, these are sleeping bags.
Mom: You are not to slide down the stairs in anything or on anything or with anything or anything like unto it!
15 minutes later:
Mom: I told you NO sliding down the stairs!
Kids: We're not!
Mom: Then why is your brother at the bottom of the stairs crying?
Kids: We jumped.

9. No household with boys should have full length staircases of any kind.

10. The only way to modify a boy's behavior is to stop what they are doing mid action. If you must use words limit them to no more than three. If you lecture them they will tune you out after the first sentence, so skip the lecture and make what you say count.

Example:
When a kid is about to hit his brother stop his arm mid swing and say 'No hitting.' This is very effective - the male mind responds to action.

11. Men will speak with grunts. The non-committal grunt being their specialty.

Example:
Mom: Did you haul your dirty laundry?
Kid: grunt
Mom: Was that a yes grunt or a no grunt?
Kid: Yes, mom, I shouldn't have to explain every grunt! 

12. Male children will make anything at hand into a weapon. This fully hit me when my first child, who had no toy weapons at the time, was at a friends house and used the friend's little sister's Barbie doll as a machine gun. He pointed one arm down which became a trigger and the rest of the doll was the barrel. 

13. If there is any kind of loft, balcony, overhang, or ledge in your house they will find a way to pelt things onto it or off of it or climb it. If there isn't any they will do it from your roof.

14. Every family over a certain number of children has a climber. The climber is usually also a Houdini and can overcome any lock or child proof mechanism known to man. If that child also happens to be a boy - watch out - males tend to do things first, then think about them after they've ended in disaster.

14. Be sure to cuddle all your men, laugh with them, and love them as much as possible. This makes everyone happy, including mom.