I'm Back! And you know what that means!

 

You know what this means, right? 

You guessed it. Sick again. I can't complain. It's been a long, long time since I've felt lousy enough to post on this blog! (Or even remember it exists.) 

Aren't you glad you're such a priority in my life? 

It also means I've been writing sub par novels again!

I don't know if my reading public can handle all this excitement.  

So I've been digging around my files and found the novel that I'd almost completed and I've been - well- completing it.  

I know what you're thinking. Why would I inflict the general public with another book? Because I can. Self publishing has made this all too easy but there's always hope. The technology may have outstripped my middle aged ability to decode it. I may never be able to convert it into the proper ebook format. It may never make it into the vast ocean of self published anonymity. 

Stay tuned for the rest of this gripping tale...

Is There a Doctor in the House?

I have a fun idea! Let's talk about something horrifying!

There comes a point in the world of unhealthiness where one feels the need to spout off about nasty things - and I've gotten there.

Yup, I've crossed that line. I invite you to cross it with me, because you're so special, er...whoever you are.

I had a CT scan yesterday. It was a witch hunt for a kidney stone that was supposed to be gone a month ago. They found it. Right where it was - a month ago. Hasn't budged, not one nip. This tiny little stone has progressed from inconvenient, to annoying, to uncomfortable to making itself completely obnoxious.

If it isn't gone by Monday they are going to surgically remove the thing.

Now I've been through this before. I know what that means.

It's kind of like when you go into the doctor and they say something like, "This will pinch a little." The real interpretation of that should be "This is going to hurt so bad you'll be begging for narcotics." Or when they say "This is going to hurt a little." That means, "This is going to hurt so much, you're going to wish you were dead."

I had a stone years ago that was so big it tore up my ureter (Hey, I know, too much information, but that's what you get when you keep reading past the first couple lines! I warned you!). They dug it out of there, and in it's place they put a stent! A stent! Do you know what that is in urological terms????????

Because this is a family site I'm not going to say, specifically, just where it goes, but I will say this, it's function is to allow any remaining stones to come out.

And it's horrifyingly uncomfortable. Seriously, I wanted to renege on the deal. I'd take my 9 mm stone back, and they could take their stent and I'd tell them where to stick it.

So guess what I'm doing? Gorging myself on fluids until my eyeballs float. Every time I don't feel like taking another swallow I think of that stent and I suddenly find my motivation. There's a bigger picture at stake here - reason for overindulging in liquids. And if I drown myself in them there's another plus - if I'm dead they can't very well put that stent in now, can they? Ah, the silver lining.

Snake Oil

I'm exhausted. And I feel like my breakfast is going to be revisiting me soon. And, to quote my mother, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

This can only mean one thing, sick post! Oh boy! I know you love them! Especially when the cynicism and sarcasm hit epic levels! Fun! Fun! Fun!

So if you have serious health problems, you probably already know every Disturbed Alternative Health Fanatic Tradesman, or DAHFT (as I like to call them), on the planet will try to cure you.
I'm not talking about people who advocate eating healthy, exercising and taking vitamin D. I'm not talking about people who cautiously approach and suggest something different that may help because they're concerned. I'm not talking about the people who tell you what their Aunt Mildred did, because they care about you.

I'm talking about the kind of people who think doctors are part of a socio-economic conspiracy and are trying to scam the public. I'm talking about the voracious purveyors of modern snake oil.

Because obviously doctors went to school for twelve years, and racked up hundreds of thousands of dollars of student loans to fool you out of your hard earned cash. And they put up with insurance companies and malpractice insurance because it's fun! Life is just not exciting enough without these kinds of challenges.

DAHFTs especially like try to prey upon the chronically ill, and try to get them to stop seeing 'mainstream' doctors and taking their medicines. My sisters and I talk about this weirdly interesting phenomenon from time to time.

My youngest sister tends to be blunt and doesn't brook nonsense for any real length of time. When approached by a particularly voracious DAHFT my sister said, "I did research on what happens to people with my condition who stopped taking their medicine. They DlED. They're all DEAD now."

And she said it in the kind of tone that makes you snort your drink out your nose.

My brother in law has a masters degree in chemistry. So he likes to check the "science" behind things. Let's just say, there's a lot of bogus stuff out there. He knows a lot of stuff that 'works' is simply having a placebo effect.

The thing that gets me, is how fast a DAHFT can spot a sick person. They zero in on them with uncanny ability. And they always, always have something they're selling. What they're selling is varied. It takes many forms from the plausible to the wildly farfetched.

And the instructions can be unnerving.

"Twiddle this organic twoodlestick, handmade by nuns in Italy, under your nose for thirty seconds, run outside buck naked and jump around for two minutes, come back inside and lay on this sheepskin mat, made exclusively in an obscure village in Malaysia, for ten minutes breathing deeply and chewing ancient tree sap from an extinct tree like a goat, light this candle specially made of beeswax collected from a special bees found only in India and meditate to this native Egyptian pipe music for another thirty minutes. You'll feel so amazing you won't know yourself.  You'll never waste another dime on doctors or expensive medicines again! Think of all the money you'll save!"

"That'll be $2,695 for today's supplies."

A New Sick and Bored List!

I know you are all dying for a new edition on what to do when you're sick and bored, so let's get started and see where it takes us.

1. Stare at your house until you truly detest it. As soon as you're well, waste all your energy repainting everything, which makes you sick again, so you have to stare at your house again, but at least you're staring at something new...for now.... This is the activity that never ends. It just keeps going and going.

2. Stare longingly outside your bedroom window. Think of all the things you would plant if you could spend time outdoors. When you're tired of this, change windows. Since there are a million windows in your house, this activity could last all day.

3. Stare at the TV but don't turn it on. You're sick of TV.

4. Read (Ha! You thought I'd say 'stare' again!) so many books people think there's something wrong with you. (Well, actually there is, it's called 'chronic illness'.)

5. Play with your food, because actually eating it will only yield horrifying results. (There's an entire post on playing with food while you're sick somewhere on this blog.)

6. Plan vacations you can never take.

7. Pet every single bunny in the house. (What? Not everything on the list can drip with the cold bitterness of a wasted life.)

8. Think of the people you love and notice all the little things they do for you.

9. Remember you never would have spent so much time with family, been able to pet bunnies, begun writing novels, or read a zillion books a year if you hadn't been sick most of the time.

10. Realize that life is good anyway.

Some Things Are More Fun Than Being Ill but That Doesn't Make Them Fun

Things I'd rather do than be sick:

1. Gut a fish.

2. Eat cow eyeballs.

3. Have my gums scraped.

4. Pick up bugs.

5. Moderate an altercation between teenagers.

6. Run a marathon.

7. Run at all.

8. Bathe a cat.

9. Speak in public.

10. Die.

Bland Foods and Alternate Uses for Them

Prolonged illness! Another list! More Sarcasm! Oh boy!

Today I thought I'd come up with ways in which bland foods could be used other than providing weak sustenance for a person who is already exhausted but can't keep down anything that would actually give health and energy to a compromised system.

This list is here for pure entertainment purposes. I disclaim any responsibility for what may happen if someone else actually does these things. What I do is my own business.

1. Saltine crackers. There are many uses for these. I suggest crumbling them up and blowing them like dust into the eyes of people who tell you you 'don't look sick'. An accomplice could also contrive to put them into the bottom of their shoes, or in their socks.

2. Instant mashed potatoes. Now these are really handy. They work as temporary glue, a medium for sculpting in case of extreme boredom and to make life really exiting, just eat them too fast! Choking always makes things more interesting.

3. White rice. These are great for practical jokes. The next time you're sick and you can't clean house just randomly leave a few here and there - especially around the kitchen - they can look just like maggots! If you can get an accomplice this works much better. Also, said accomplice can surreptitiously leave them advantageously around in houses of people who think you are feigning illness to avoid them.

4. Applesauce. This stuff has great entertainment value. Stick your tongue out, put some on the end of it and say "la la la la" until it falls off. The sensation is hilarious, especially after being stuck in your room for too long, doing nothing but staring at the walls.

5.  Banana. Give a nip to your bunny. They love it, then they love you, then you'll feel like someone appreciates you after all.

6. Toast. Have them cut up, then stack them up like a house of cards and see how many pieces you can remove before the whole thing falls. Make sure to leave lots of crumbs everywhere. Then you can curse yourself later when you're feeling well and you have to clean them up. Whatever you do, don't actually eat the toast - you've had it too many times when you're sick and if you eat it again, you'll puke for sure. (Trust me on this one).

7. Watered down Gatoraide. Pretend it's totally delicious and then offer one of your kids (or any other gullible person, because after a while, let's face it, the kids wise up) a sip and watch their faces when they fall for it. (Because, with lupus, you're not contagious- it won't hurt them at all.)

8. Apple juice. Slurp it down like it's manna from heaven because it's so much more flavorful than everything else you're eating. Then be violently sick because you really shouldn't have had it. Hey! What's this doing on this list???

9. Chicken broth. This one is obvious. Warm your frozen hands, face, nose, feet and anything else that might be cold on it. It can also make nice little rivers and moats for your mashed potatoes. Again, don't actually drink it. See # 6 above.

You're probably wondering where # 10 is. Well, to be honest, if there were more foods I could eat when I was sick this list might not exist - so aren't you lucky there isn't! Oh yes, your life is complete now. What would you do without me?

I really shouldn't blog when I don't feel well.

Today's post is about an outrage I think ought to be addressed.

I'm talking about those people, of whom I will sanctimoniously name no names, that slink into the kitchen and swipe my juice, unawares. I mean really, how underhanded is that? What kind of person does it take to raid a refrigerator and pillage undefended substances like juice? 

And here I am, the innocent victim, working away and suddenly have a craving for something sweet and cold and delicious. Oh, I can just taste it already. I gleefully sweep into the kitchen only to find I have been ROBBED!!! Just as I was about to enjoy cool refreshment, it is knocked maliciously from my grasp! I am left to wallow in wretched disappointment! Oh the humanity!

Something has to be done about this. Juice drinkers of the world unite! Stand up for your rights to juice! When juice has been carefully horded and squirreled away for a rainy day (or every day) it should be there when it is called upon for service!

And don't even get me started on the hot cocoa...

Fun with being sick! Oh boy!

I've decided I like lists. So today I thought I'd make a list of all the fun things a person can do while they're so sick they'd just as soon be dead and they've been confined to their bedroom for a little longer than what's good for their sanity! I don't know where I come up with this great stuff!!!

1. Stare at your bedroom until you decide you hate everything in it. Bonus points if you actually overhaul the entire room when you feel better again.

2. Origami tissues. Since there's not typically a lot of entertainment in a bedroom you have to get creative. The tissue box is right there - just pull one out. My specialties are a rock and a piece of crumpled paper - you should see them - very realistic.

3. Blowing saltine cracker crumbs everywhere. This one you have to try to know how fun it is. Stuff a bunch of saltines in you mouth - crunch them swiftly and carelessly with your mouth open - this works best if your mouth is really dry - then blow. It's like snow. Ah, the excitement.

4. Call for people. Your family will love this one. Always wait till they've left the room before you call them back. Make sure they've made it a good way down the hall at least.

6. Blow bubbles in your drink with a straw. I think this one is self explanatory.

7. Obsess about the cleanliness of your room. Allow the tiniest purity infraction to really get in your craw until you're so indignant it almost gives you enough energy to do something about it. Creating drama in your life really makes it more interesting. (What is a craw exactly?)

8. Check Facebook, Pinterest and every other social websites you can think of and keep looking at them until your brain melts.

9. Complain. This is especially fun when you have an audience but said audience is not actually necessary.

10. Find shapes in your ceiling texture. This is almost as good as finding shapes in clouds! 

11. Look at everything cross eyed. The downside to this one is that it might make you feel sicker, especially if you have a stomach complaint. Squinting at everything can be pretty entertaining too.

12. Make a landscape out of your blanket. Mostly I make mountains and hills.

13. Watch TV until all your faith in humanity is irretrievably lost. Let's face it, depression is better than boredom.

14. While watching TV squish peoples heads on the screen between your fingers or look at them through a circle you make with your hand.  TVs and optical illusions can pass quite bit of time.

16. Change channels on your TV really quickly and string the sound bites together to create crazy conversations.

17. Have someone get a remote control for your lamps. Click them on and off and on and off. You can make your own light show!

18. Use a lamp to make a shadow show on the wall. Butterflies and crocodiles are my favorite. 

19. When everything else fails to entertain and you're getting desperate blog about something really stupid.

The Secret Life of Slugs

So I've been sitting around since I have pneumonia an I'm supposed to be doing a good impression of a slug so I won't do too much and sabotage a recovery. The problem is, I don't think slugs live very interesting lives. Now maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. Maybe slugs have a whole wild private side I don't know about. If they do I apologize. I don't want any offended slugs making comments here, but from what I see they just kind of creep along in an ooze of slime and eat things I wish they didn't. I'm not privy to the secret life of slugs and I'm no expert. All I'm saying here is that impersonating a slug is boring. That's my disclaimer so if there are any irate slugs out there please keep your opinions to yourself.

In an effort to entertain myself I've been on facebook, pinterest, goodreads, and all kinds of other websites and basically boring myself more than I already was. I tried TV yesterday, but let's face it, I'm not a big movie/TV fan. So in total desperation I've turned to posting on my blog. Yes, you've wondered what it takes for that to happen. Now you know.

I'm going to backtrack to after goodreads and before my boredom induced urge to blog. I gave up on the internet and turned to the books I've written. I thought maybe there would be some revising I could do or something. I opened up the first one I wrote and I realized there really does come a point at which I've done everything I can possibly do. My skills only reach so far and in this first effort the only way to write the book better would be to write a different book. I guess that's why I wrote the second book and am working on the third. There are things that improve with each effort but there are times when I feel the limitations of my writing ability. To be more specific, I don't know how my books are supposed to entertain anyone when they are boring me.

Perhaps, just perhaps writing isn't something I should do when I'm bored.