I'm Back! And you know what that means!

 

You know what this means, right? 

You guessed it. Sick again. I can't complain. It's been a long, long time since I've felt lousy enough to post on this blog! (Or even remember it exists.) 

Aren't you glad you're such a priority in my life? 

It also means I've been writing sub par novels again!

I don't know if my reading public can handle all this excitement.  

So I've been digging around my files and found the novel that I'd almost completed and I've been - well- completing it.  

I know what you're thinking. Why would I inflict the general public with another book? Because I can. Self publishing has made this all too easy but there's always hope. The technology may have outstripped my middle aged ability to decode it. I may never be able to convert it into the proper ebook format. It may never make it into the vast ocean of self published anonymity. 

Stay tuned for the rest of this gripping tale...

New Beginnings

Life gets tough sometimes. Adversity is part of our experience.
Sometimes good things happen.

I have lupus. It's been in remission so long the doctor suggested I try going outside a bit again. Now this doesn't mean I get to go crazy. I go out in the early morning and come in before it even has a chance to get hot.

I dig around in the dirt, pull out weeds and water stuff. My yard is starting to look ok again just from the little bit of time I put in every morning. I'm starting to feel okay again too, just from that little bit of time that I can commune with nature. It's remarkable. People weren't meant to stay inside all the time.

There have been fruits of my labors. Literally. I've had strawberries, sweet cherries, raspberries, sour cherries and now peaches. Nothing tastes like sun ripened fruit straight out of my own yard, weeded, watered and cared for by me.

When tough things happen, I like to go outside and work in my yard. I can't express how grateful I am to have this outlet opened back up to me. Being sick is no fun, but having an important coping mechanism removed at the same time makes it almost unbearable. For me doing nothing but sitting in a chair outside is paradise and one I hope will never be taken away again.

Is There a Doctor in the House?

I have a fun idea! Let's talk about something horrifying!

There comes a point in the world of unhealthiness where one feels the need to spout off about nasty things - and I've gotten there.

Yup, I've crossed that line. I invite you to cross it with me, because you're so special, er...whoever you are.

I had a CT scan yesterday. It was a witch hunt for a kidney stone that was supposed to be gone a month ago. They found it. Right where it was - a month ago. Hasn't budged, not one nip. This tiny little stone has progressed from inconvenient, to annoying, to uncomfortable to making itself completely obnoxious.

If it isn't gone by Monday they are going to surgically remove the thing.

Now I've been through this before. I know what that means.

It's kind of like when you go into the doctor and they say something like, "This will pinch a little." The real interpretation of that should be "This is going to hurt so bad you'll be begging for narcotics." Or when they say "This is going to hurt a little." That means, "This is going to hurt so much, you're going to wish you were dead."

I had a stone years ago that was so big it tore up my ureter (Hey, I know, too much information, but that's what you get when you keep reading past the first couple lines! I warned you!). They dug it out of there, and in it's place they put a stent! A stent! Do you know what that is in urological terms????????

Because this is a family site I'm not going to say, specifically, just where it goes, but I will say this, it's function is to allow any remaining stones to come out.

And it's horrifyingly uncomfortable. Seriously, I wanted to renege on the deal. I'd take my 9 mm stone back, and they could take their stent and I'd tell them where to stick it.

So guess what I'm doing? Gorging myself on fluids until my eyeballs float. Every time I don't feel like taking another swallow I think of that stent and I suddenly find my motivation. There's a bigger picture at stake here - reason for overindulging in liquids. And if I drown myself in them there's another plus - if I'm dead they can't very well put that stent in now, can they? Ah, the silver lining.

Snake Oil

I'm exhausted. And I feel like my breakfast is going to be revisiting me soon. And, to quote my mother, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

This can only mean one thing, sick post! Oh boy! I know you love them! Especially when the cynicism and sarcasm hit epic levels! Fun! Fun! Fun!

So if you have serious health problems, you probably already know every Disturbed Alternative Health Fanatic Tradesman, or DAHFT (as I like to call them), on the planet will try to cure you.
I'm not talking about people who advocate eating healthy, exercising and taking vitamin D. I'm not talking about people who cautiously approach and suggest something different that may help because they're concerned. I'm not talking about the people who tell you what their Aunt Mildred did, because they care about you.

I'm talking about the kind of people who think doctors are part of a socio-economic conspiracy and are trying to scam the public. I'm talking about the voracious purveyors of modern snake oil.

Because obviously doctors went to school for twelve years, and racked up hundreds of thousands of dollars of student loans to fool you out of your hard earned cash. And they put up with insurance companies and malpractice insurance because it's fun! Life is just not exciting enough without these kinds of challenges.

DAHFTs especially like try to prey upon the chronically ill, and try to get them to stop seeing 'mainstream' doctors and taking their medicines. My sisters and I talk about this weirdly interesting phenomenon from time to time.

My youngest sister tends to be blunt and doesn't brook nonsense for any real length of time. When approached by a particularly voracious DAHFT my sister said, "I did research on what happens to people with my condition who stopped taking their medicine. They DlED. They're all DEAD now."

And she said it in the kind of tone that makes you snort your drink out your nose.

My brother in law has a masters degree in chemistry. So he likes to check the "science" behind things. Let's just say, there's a lot of bogus stuff out there. He knows a lot of stuff that 'works' is simply having a placebo effect.

The thing that gets me, is how fast a DAHFT can spot a sick person. They zero in on them with uncanny ability. And they always, always have something they're selling. What they're selling is varied. It takes many forms from the plausible to the wildly farfetched.

And the instructions can be unnerving.

"Twiddle this organic twoodlestick, handmade by nuns in Italy, under your nose for thirty seconds, run outside buck naked and jump around for two minutes, come back inside and lay on this sheepskin mat, made exclusively in an obscure village in Malaysia, for ten minutes breathing deeply and chewing ancient tree sap from an extinct tree like a goat, light this candle specially made of beeswax collected from a special bees found only in India and meditate to this native Egyptian pipe music for another thirty minutes. You'll feel so amazing you won't know yourself.  You'll never waste another dime on doctors or expensive medicines again! Think of all the money you'll save!"

"That'll be $2,695 for today's supplies."

What Kind of Mom are You?

Mother's day is often a day of guilt for moms. It ought not to be that way.

I saw a video online wherein a woman was explaining there are all different kinds of moms and whatever kind of mom you are, it is just right for your kids, that God gave you the skills that are unique for your kids. I kind of smirked and rolled my eyes, but then, I thought, maybe there's something in this.

I asked myself, what kind of mom am I? And I answered, I'm 'suck it up and do it anyway' mom. It's true and I don't apologize for it. It's what my kids need. I'm also 'silly' mom, and they need that too.
I could go on and on about all the stuff I've done wrong. I could tell you all about the horrific mistakes I've made and what makes me believe my children will need therapy the rest of their lives, but I choose not to focus on that this Mother's Day.

As I've mentioned before, I started writing books and blogging because I get sick a lot and get bored and need something to occupy my down time. Unfortunately, before I fully understood the nature of my health and all it's implications, I had produced five children. Yep. Five.

Long story short, each of my kids also has multiple health problems. I have a running health history for each one and each year something else gets added to the list. Who knows what condition they'll be in by the time they reach 50? Budgeting energy as a precious resource is a common topic of discussion in this house.

Yes, in some ways I wonder why God gave me five children before I knew what my genes would do to them. But then, he also equipped me with some unique skills.

The biggest life skills I have to offer them are twofold. The first is to have faith. Believe that life is beautiful and live life fully, regardless of circumstances.

Showing them chronic illness isn't the end of the world is a big goal of mine. Multiple chronic illnesses are not the end of the world. There's plenty to do and experience regardless of our limitations, and a way around those limitations, and divine help to make us better than we are.
Perhaps I should feel sorry for them, but I do not. There is no room for pity when my child may be dying and needs life saving surgery - even if that surgery is going to have an unpleasant recovery.
There is no room for pity when my child is turning blue and can't breathe. There is no room for pity when we are rushing for the ER. There is no room for pity when my child sees life so bleakly they don't know if they have the courage to move forward.

My children do not need my pity. I would be doing them a great disservice to offer it to them. They need faith, they need hope, they need action and care. And then, when the crisis is over, they need a sense of humor.

That's the second life gift I have to offer. The gift of silliness is a great one. Something that can make a smile appear and laugh burble up from the soul -- how important that is!

Believing that if their life ends, they will still be loved and cared for on the other side is important.
But it also takes great courage to live, to go on facing a life of pain, discomfort and continuous doctors and procedures and surgeries. It takes courage and a sense of humor to really live, despite that.

The good Lord gave me illness, but he also gave me the skills to cope. I am all the better and the stronger for it. And someday, my children will see themselves that way too. This is my hope.

Funny Words...or the Profound Things People Think about when They Don't Feel Well

Have you ever noticed some words are just plain funny? Like, squid, for instance. Say it out loud. Squid. Ha ha ha ha. Squid. Squid. Squid.

Since I adore lists I've come up with a list of hilarious words. In order to get full enjoyment out of them, be sure to say them out loud. (Especially if you're alone in public, there's nothing like adding a nice element of awkwardness or embarrassment to instigate the giggles.)

1. rancid (This one is good in cringing humor.)

2. chicken (Say it fast and repeatedly.)

3. superfluous (This one is really funny because superfluous is a superfluous word)

4. addled (Especially when combined with brains, which is also a funny word. AAAAAH my brains are addled!)

5. nostril (Any sentence with the word nostril in it is automatically funny.)

6. swine (A seriously good insult in comedy.)

7. pulchritude (The judge of the beauty pageant was surrounded by pulchritude.)

8. piddle (My bunny piddled on the begonias.)

9. pilfer (No one can take you seriously when you say things like "Hey! Who pilfered my juice?")

10. squish (Squishing something is funny, squashing something is gross. It's the subtle nuances that matter.)

Some Things Are More Fun Than Being Ill but That Doesn't Make Them Fun

Things I'd rather do than be sick:

1. Gut a fish.

2. Eat cow eyeballs.

3. Have my gums scraped.

4. Pick up bugs.

5. Moderate an altercation between teenagers.

6. Run a marathon.

7. Run at all.

8. Bathe a cat.

9. Speak in public.

10. Die.