Kid Quotes 3

Olivia and Aaron

Picking up where I left off last time: 

21.

Different kid: I'm hungry for fruit.

Me: Have some kiwi... and PEEL IT!

Same different kid: Why?

I'm raising a bunch of cave men.

22. One of my kids was late for school so I write a note.

Kid: Don't write that!

Me: It's the truth. You want me to tell the truth don't you?

Kid: Yes, but tell a different truth.

I end up writing something vague and incomprehensible.

23. "All I know about presidential candidates is something about some McDonald guy."
-Anonymous to protect the guilty.

24. One of my kids calls herbal tea boiled weeds.

25. A new phrase has been coined: 'obesity sauce'. A very good description of Alfredo sauce in general.

Although I notice giving it a more appropriate name hasn't slowed down the consumption of said sauce.

26. You know you're getting old when you have to read the captions on 'before and after' pictures to see which ones were 'before' and which ones were 'after'. (okay, so that was me too.)

27. After I protest over one of my kids being self deprecating:

Kid # 1: He's always making fat jokes about himself.

Kid # 2: Hey! I need my fat jokes! It keeps me from getting too depressed about my weight.

Kid # 3: I'm not so sure fat pride is the answer to your weight problems.

28. Bunnies never have bad breath. You were all dying to know that. 

29. I tend to tune into and out of conversations while I'm doing stuff. Then I end up hearing weird snippets.

Kid #1 "... this is why we need a new toaster oven."

Kid #2 (in a mock threatening tone) "And that's why you're going to need a new kidney."

I didn't even ask.

30. Me: Hey! Who got out my juice? Who's been drinking my juice?

Brian: It's cranberry raspberry mom, cranberry raspberry.

Me: That doesn't mean you can just invite yourself to drink my juice. I don't want you drinking my juice.

Brian: Then you should have built a temple with booby traps around it.

So that's what you have to do to keep people out of your food in this house.

Kid Quotes 2

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Oh hi! It's been awhile. I have this pesky habit of forgetting that I blog. Anyway, here's the next edition of kid quotes. 

11. I hear a cry of pain from the kitchen. Then I hear someone say in an anguished voice, "You're worth it."

My son comes in the room eating a popsicle. "My popsicle fell in the garbage, but I decided to eat it anyway.

"I hope you rinsed it off first," I say.

He says, "But that would waste some popsicle."

12. 

We were discussing the horrors of shots.

Me: When you were little you told me not to tell you when you were getting allergy shots. You told me to surprise you with them so you wouldn't be wigging out the whole way. The problem is, you learned how to get there and recognized where we were going.

Kid: You were supposed to change how you went! Don't you know how stressful wigging out is?

13. 

After crashing my blog a few times, accidentally deleting the entire thing (good thing I'd been reading about backing things up lately), and locking myself out of administrative capabilities, I've decided to quit blogging, writing and anything remotely related to technology and run away to join the circus.

Either that or I'll have to go buy some shoes. (sigh, yes, also me)

14. Waking the girl up in the morning is not an easy job. Unless, as I found out this morning purely by coincidence, you mention the word 'brownie'. Suddenly, the head pops up and someone's wide awake, which makes me think I'm doing this all wrong. What I ought to be doing is wafting a chocolate bar under her nose each morning.

15. Kid: We're out of milk.
Me: Eh, we have bread and water, there's still plenty to eat.
The day passes. Evening comes.
Kid: The bread's gone. Now we're out of prison food AND milk.

16.

Me: Be sure you're washing all the pans you cook with.

Kid: You know what we need? Paper pans.
Me: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Kid: Mother! You're supposed to support my creatvity!

So that's what I've been doing wrong all these years. Advocating common sense over creativity.

17. Kid#1: What is it about pizza? Everyone on the planet loves pizza.

Kid#2: Not everyone. You get those weirdos at school who go around saying they don't like pizza. I don't know why they didn't get bullied.

18.

My kid has plantar warts. We go to the dermatologist. They scrape his feet with a razor blade. They freeze them. They inject them. He sits there as if nothing is going on. We get in the car; run errands. He gets out of the car.

A blob of cold slushy wet snow hits his leg. He screams like a girl.

19.

Kid: Hey! Why is my toast burned? I set it lower than usual!

Me: maybe the toaster is dying they get that way near the end sometimes.

Kid: That is not okay. I don't want my bread molested.

20. Kid: There's something off about this kiwi.
Me: Yeah it still has a peel on it.
Kid: No. It's really sweet.
Me: AND it has a peel on it!
Kid: More fiber, Mom.

Kid Quotes 1

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So here's what's going on. I've been on facebook a long time. I don't look at it anymore. I haven't looked at it for a long time. I'm not sure exactly why, but it seems like such a chore. I've decided to delete my account because why have it when I'm not using it?

I looked at what I have posted to see what exactly would be deleted and discovered I'd been posting some pretty hilarious quotes from my kids. So I decided they should be transferred here since they are already public and I will be able to look at them again and have a good laugh.

We are going to go back in time starting with 2017 and ending with 2011.

1. Kid pops a hazel nut in mouth and makes a disgusted face. "That one still had it's clothes on!" Looks in can of nuts, "you can't fool me, you're wearing pants!" Starts peeling outer bits off other nuts.

2. Overheard:

Child 1: Should I make regular shepherd's pie or fancy shepherd's pie?

Child 2: If you don't make it regular everyone's going to be mad at you.

Child 1: If I make it fancy no one will want it and I'll get to eat the whole thing.

Child 2: You can't eat anything if you're dead.

3. Overheard:

Brother 1 borrowing suit jacket of Brother 2: What is this? (pulling pen out of jacket inner pocket) You have a pen in your suit jacket! Don't you know pens are cognizant of when they are in important articles of clothing so they can leak all over them?

Brother 2: That pen has been in there for months.

Brother 1: You're just lucky you got a docile pen. What if it had been an angry pen?

4. Overheard in a conversation today: ...you have coconuts around so that if the world comes to an end there's some thing to eat, but if the world hasn't ended you don't eat those coconuts...

5. Kid:We're almost out of bread. It's a breadolypse.
Me: Is that kind of like a milkolypse?
Kid: Well, it's not quite as bad as that, but still, it's an olypse, so it's okay to panic.
I fail to react in any way.
Kid: Panicking is a sign you're in good mental health in cases like this.

6. That's the problem with wearing loose fitting pants. It makes me think I can eat donuts. (okay, so that one was me)

7. What is it about getting rid of stuff that feels so liberating? Problem is, some of what I got rid of is shoes. How do I stop myself from back filling those? Or maybe getting rid of shoes and buying more shoes is part of the circle of life and I need to accept it for what it is. Hmmm..... sounds legit.... I guess I'm okay to get some shoes for my birthday then. (also me)

8. Dropping kid off at school:
Kid: That girl has a sword.
Me: She's probably part of something.
Kid: Color Gaurd. I'm going to join color guard so I can have a sword.
Me: Then you'd have to do a bunch of other stuff you don't want to do.
Kid: I'll just be the sword guy and go around stabbing stuff.
This is why auditions are a good thing.

9. Kid puts on his dad's sun hat. (In a meditative voice.) "Aaaahhhh....I can feel the dorkiness percolating throughout my body..."

10. Me (in a matter of fact tone): I'm going to start murdering everyone who messes up the kitchen.
Kid (sighing): Mom, I told you to do that a long time ago.